Happy late December! It has been a while since an update. My most notable update is that I've actually been trying to stick to my little life mantra, "trust in progress". As I've stated so many times before in this very blog, my indecisiveness has always kept me reaching goals in the past. I'm trying to end this habit. While I still am not entirely sure of what I want to do, I've decided to move forward with becoming an EMT and then hopefully graduate to a paramedic, and finally, make my way into firefighting or fire science. I've always appreciated firefighting, and the schedule allows me to continue my other passion - writing music. Yes, as an EMT and medic I am probably going to see more severed body parts than I want to, however I am excited for the challenge. I have to register for my first set of classes this week.
I had another birthday last month. I turned 24. Before I know it I'm going to be 30, and then a blink away from 40... it's far time to get this show on the road.
Danny and I decided today to combine our songs and make single album. It's always great to have help writing, so I'm exited to see how this turns out. Danny has been playing folk-acoustic stuff in the vein of Elliott Smith, and I have been waltzing between blues, alternative, and progressive indie. Dreux is going to drum for us on the recordings and hopefully for shows if we can pull it together.
Since I'm in-between jobs and school (which is a nice way of saying that I do nothing all day long except for hang out with our new miniature schnauzer puppy, Bosley), I've been golfing quite a bit. Best pseudo-sport ever. I have no idea why or when I quit in the first place!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The Albino Whisker and the Passion of Volcanology
I have grown my first gray hair. It is on my face. I attribute the albino sprout to the unusually high number of classic hardships that I've had to overcome this year, and have respectively named the white whisker "Two-Thousand And Eight" for short, 2k8. The hair is camouflaged against the other whiskers on my face since my hair is so healthy it shines, however if you look closely and call it by its name, it may reveal itself.
I am a big thinker. When I say "big", I dont mean I think a lot - I'm very capable of doing stupid crap - by "big" I mean I cant help myself from putting everything i do into perspective of how it fits with the rest of the world. This is blessing and a curse. A blessing because I have the innate social ability to see events before they happen, and people for who they really are, which has come in handy many times. My mental state is a curse, however, because I have the innate social ability to see events before they happen, and people for who they really are, and for that reason it's often hard to find a good reason to leave my house. This issue of mine also has the affect of me questioning the long-term benefits of everything I do, to the point where I get very little pleasure out of accomplishing any task that was even remotely mundane. I have rarely have a clear concept of when objectives (personal or business related) begin and when they are complete. Yes, This makes me feel insane.
So how do I get my kicks? I'm still trying to figure this out. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the basic social things like going to bars with close friends, catching a movie, or playing music, but with my intellectual focus being constantly fixated on much bigger a picture than I would prefer, it's incredibly and increasingly difficult to focus on short-term issues like, oh, going to school or getting decent a job. Of course I recognize the importance of addressing these matters, but it's more difficult for me than it is for most people to actually get them done.
Knowing this, I have recently considered going to school to study issues related to the "bigger picture". Anthropology has recently caught my eye as being a field of interest, however I would have to engage myself in a faction of that study that stays far, far away from dull classrooms and the monotonous voices that so often reverberate through their halls. I suppose I require being on the front of discovery. I can appreciate the scientific method in all of it's traditional glory so long as the outcome is unique and cutting edge.
I, like so many people, struggle with the obvious desire of instant gratification. I want a good-paying job, I want my own place with a dog... etc, but in the rush to accomplish these goals there is a lot of opportunity that can be missed out on. When I was working at an insurance company my co-worker Tim always mentioned how dull his significantly paying job was, but that it afforded him some nice things. Of course at the time, I was envious of the paycheck I would personally deliver to his desk twice a month, but something he said to me one pay day never really sank in until recently. I walked out of his office after a brief verbal exchange of what probably sounded like the Thursday edition of the Monday blues, when he said, "You know, if I could do it all over again, I'd probably be a volcanologist".
"A whaa?" I replied.
"You know, like, one of those guys that goes into volcanoes and studies them...for science. I mean, who becomes a volcanologist, you know? Who grows up thinking, yeah, I'm gonna go into volcanoes."
"I guess a special kind of person... so, how long have you been aware of your passion volcanoes?"
"Well, I don't know... I mean... there are a lot of jobs like that out there, that are just.. unexpected, I guess. It would be cool to have been a part of something like that."
Tim was right. It would be cool to be a part of something like that. It would even be cool to devote a large part of your life to the science of why we exist, how we have survived so far, or what's going to happen when we are long gone. I think I'm finally beginning to realize my passion...
I am a big thinker. When I say "big", I dont mean I think a lot - I'm very capable of doing stupid crap - by "big" I mean I cant help myself from putting everything i do into perspective of how it fits with the rest of the world. This is blessing and a curse. A blessing because I have the innate social ability to see events before they happen, and people for who they really are, which has come in handy many times. My mental state is a curse, however, because I have the innate social ability to see events before they happen, and people for who they really are, and for that reason it's often hard to find a good reason to leave my house. This issue of mine also has the affect of me questioning the long-term benefits of everything I do, to the point where I get very little pleasure out of accomplishing any task that was even remotely mundane. I have rarely have a clear concept of when objectives (personal or business related) begin and when they are complete. Yes, This makes me feel insane.
So how do I get my kicks? I'm still trying to figure this out. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the basic social things like going to bars with close friends, catching a movie, or playing music, but with my intellectual focus being constantly fixated on much bigger a picture than I would prefer, it's incredibly and increasingly difficult to focus on short-term issues like, oh, going to school or getting decent a job. Of course I recognize the importance of addressing these matters, but it's more difficult for me than it is for most people to actually get them done.
Knowing this, I have recently considered going to school to study issues related to the "bigger picture". Anthropology has recently caught my eye as being a field of interest, however I would have to engage myself in a faction of that study that stays far, far away from dull classrooms and the monotonous voices that so often reverberate through their halls. I suppose I require being on the front of discovery. I can appreciate the scientific method in all of it's traditional glory so long as the outcome is unique and cutting edge.
I, like so many people, struggle with the obvious desire of instant gratification. I want a good-paying job, I want my own place with a dog... etc, but in the rush to accomplish these goals there is a lot of opportunity that can be missed out on. When I was working at an insurance company my co-worker Tim always mentioned how dull his significantly paying job was, but that it afforded him some nice things. Of course at the time, I was envious of the paycheck I would personally deliver to his desk twice a month, but something he said to me one pay day never really sank in until recently. I walked out of his office after a brief verbal exchange of what probably sounded like the Thursday edition of the Monday blues, when he said, "You know, if I could do it all over again, I'd probably be a volcanologist".
"A whaa?" I replied.
"You know, like, one of those guys that goes into volcanoes and studies them...for science. I mean, who becomes a volcanologist, you know? Who grows up thinking, yeah, I'm gonna go into volcanoes."
"I guess a special kind of person... so, how long have you been aware of your passion volcanoes?"
"Well, I don't know... I mean... there are a lot of jobs like that out there, that are just.. unexpected, I guess. It would be cool to have been a part of something like that."
Tim was right. It would be cool to be a part of something like that. It would even be cool to devote a large part of your life to the science of why we exist, how we have survived so far, or what's going to happen when we are long gone. I think I'm finally beginning to realize my passion...
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
2008, PHASE THREE
Well, I'm looking for my third job since the start of 2008, and I should be starting school again on September 15th. Obviously it's been a year of transition for me, but I am confident that it will turn out well. This time reminds me of 2005-2006, which wasn't too long ago. In 2005 I went to music school for audio engineering, and then spent another 6 months trying to get a job in the field which was rapidly deteriorating as a result of advances in home recording and the start of the economic recession, which hit big record labels pretty hard. Regardless of my struggle to get into music, I was still happy, and had plenty of time between resume-sending to work on my health, and study subjects which sparked my interest such as basic meditation and Buddhism. This period of my life has many of the same elements; living at home, looking for a job, preparing to learn, etc. It makes me wonder, was there a lesson the first time around that I was too ignorant, or even too young to realize? I think so. When I gave up on education, and was ready to get into a life of what I called "resume building", I had basically accepted "the grind", and didn't think the world had much more to offer. I essentially halted my own progress as an achiever, and willingly dove right into the same lifestyle of struggle that so many people today are wishing they could escape... it doesn't sound smart in retrospect, but at the time I felt that it was something that I needed to do.
So what have I learned? Whats going to be different this time?
I am finally learning my own pace. Yes, I move slower than most. I am split right down the center - half party animal, half major homebody; half learner, half worker; half content, half longing for something more. What stays consistent through it all is my unwavering emotion restlessness, and my subtle polar mental cycles that rarely get along with each other. The only way to quench this uneasiness that I have always lived with is to simply keep moving, maintain progress, and never settle for less than completely perfect.
I have also learned is that, in these feelings and mental cycles, I am not unique at all. Almost everyone struggles with these same issues, however what truly makes us unique is whether we choose to perceive our contradicting nature positively or negatively, and in the actions we select to relieve our desire to see if it really is greener on the other side.
So what have I learned? Whats going to be different this time?
I am finally learning my own pace. Yes, I move slower than most. I am split right down the center - half party animal, half major homebody; half learner, half worker; half content, half longing for something more. What stays consistent through it all is my unwavering emotion restlessness, and my subtle polar mental cycles that rarely get along with each other. The only way to quench this uneasiness that I have always lived with is to simply keep moving, maintain progress, and never settle for less than completely perfect.
I have also learned is that, in these feelings and mental cycles, I am not unique at all. Almost everyone struggles with these same issues, however what truly makes us unique is whether we choose to perceive our contradicting nature positively or negatively, and in the actions we select to relieve our desire to see if it really is greener on the other side.
Friday, June 13, 2008
On Moving Out
I first moved out of my parents house around June of 2006 at the age of twenty-one. I had finally gotten a REAL job as a Human Resources Assistant at a privately owned insurance company, which afforded my the privilege of getting an apartment with Amanda Urban, my girlfriend of the time.
I expected challenges, but i didn't anticipate the fear associated with the experience. Not only was I leaving my parents whom I care for very much, but I was taking on a whole new life - bills, budgeting, cooking, cleaning, shopping for myself, a required income, the constant company of a significant other, new found independence, and a puppy. I truly began to understand the culture shock I was about to endure as I was signing the lease, which resulted in what I now understand to be a minor panic attack, coupled with the unexpected feeling of sadness as I was leaving behind a life with less... obligatory responsibility.
The next 8 months were a fun learning experience. Yes, there were times when money was tight, job-depression would kick in now and then because I hated what I did, Amanda and I would fight as many couples do, but these are all things that were expected. All in all, it was fun.
We eventually moved to Santa Monica next, to be closer to Amanda's Nursing school. We had a lot of parties at #2 933 6th Street, and every one of them was always a great time; barbecues, drunk trekking to local bars to drink even more, playing pool at dive bars...etc.
Living near the beach is the best thing ever. Fresh ocean air everyday is the most comforting thing to the working man. Santa Monica showed me that I could never live very far from the ocean.
My friend Nate was having trouble with his girlfriend with whom he lived with, so I told him to temporarily move in with us. Amanda agreed because unbeknown to me, she was beginning to feel like our relationship was too intense for our age and that another person in the apartment would ease some tension. Eventually Amanda decided to move out, and shortly thereafter we ended our relationship.
I digress; clearly there are many details I have not included thus far about the the said relationship mostly to save from sounding like a typical one-sided breakup story. Additionally, Amanda and I remain friends, and I don't wish to say anything that is not entirely fact. The truth is this; moving in with a significant other is absolutely a substitute for a ring on their finger. It may seem to be a casual arrangement, but the action carries with it a heavy obligation of commitment and sharing ever-so-closely similar to the agreement of marriage. In other words, if you are not ready to marry your lover, do not live with them. I had an amazing time, and I wouldn't trade the entire experience for anything, but trust me.
So there we were, two good-looking and intelligent commiserating bachelors in an empty apartment in Santa Monica. (she owned all the furniture). I lost my job a week before the breakup, so I was rolling single, jobless, and a little depressed laying on a borrowed mattress on the floor. Luckily, I keep the company of some good friends and great parents to help me out of my funk, and back into action.
Here's the ironic part. I finished the year lease on my apartment in Santa Monica, and moved back in with my folks; back to square one. I now find myself right where I started, but with a new perspective and appreciation for life - exactly what I set out to find. The hard part is over, and the lessons I learned will carry over to my new experiences, which are inevitably on their way.
Point A is almost always capable of being Point B.
I expected challenges, but i didn't anticipate the fear associated with the experience. Not only was I leaving my parents whom I care for very much, but I was taking on a whole new life - bills, budgeting, cooking, cleaning, shopping for myself, a required income, the constant company of a significant other, new found independence, and a puppy. I truly began to understand the culture shock I was about to endure as I was signing the lease, which resulted in what I now understand to be a minor panic attack, coupled with the unexpected feeling of sadness as I was leaving behind a life with less... obligatory responsibility.
The next 8 months were a fun learning experience. Yes, there were times when money was tight, job-depression would kick in now and then because I hated what I did, Amanda and I would fight as many couples do, but these are all things that were expected. All in all, it was fun.
We eventually moved to Santa Monica next, to be closer to Amanda's Nursing school. We had a lot of parties at #2 933 6th Street, and every one of them was always a great time; barbecues, drunk trekking to local bars to drink even more, playing pool at dive bars...etc.
Living near the beach is the best thing ever. Fresh ocean air everyday is the most comforting thing to the working man. Santa Monica showed me that I could never live very far from the ocean.
My friend Nate was having trouble with his girlfriend with whom he lived with, so I told him to temporarily move in with us. Amanda agreed because unbeknown to me, she was beginning to feel like our relationship was too intense for our age and that another person in the apartment would ease some tension. Eventually Amanda decided to move out, and shortly thereafter we ended our relationship.
I digress; clearly there are many details I have not included thus far about the the said relationship mostly to save from sounding like a typical one-sided breakup story. Additionally, Amanda and I remain friends, and I don't wish to say anything that is not entirely fact. The truth is this; moving in with a significant other is absolutely a substitute for a ring on their finger. It may seem to be a casual arrangement, but the action carries with it a heavy obligation of commitment and sharing ever-so-closely similar to the agreement of marriage. In other words, if you are not ready to marry your lover, do not live with them. I had an amazing time, and I wouldn't trade the entire experience for anything, but trust me.
So there we were, two good-looking and intelligent commiserating bachelors in an empty apartment in Santa Monica. (she owned all the furniture). I lost my job a week before the breakup, so I was rolling single, jobless, and a little depressed laying on a borrowed mattress on the floor. Luckily, I keep the company of some good friends and great parents to help me out of my funk, and back into action.
Here's the ironic part. I finished the year lease on my apartment in Santa Monica, and moved back in with my folks; back to square one. I now find myself right where I started, but with a new perspective and appreciation for life - exactly what I set out to find. The hard part is over, and the lessons I learned will carry over to my new experiences, which are inevitably on their way.
Point A is almost always capable of being Point B.
Remote Experience
I think everyone should have the opportunity to write the history of their own life. Not only for the purpose of remembering, but also passing on to future generations. Think about it - wouldn't it be awesome to have a book of your grandfather's experiences from his perspective? That's essentially what the Motorcycle Diaries by Che Guevara is, or the Diary of Anne Frank even. Look at how their experiences have affected so many people's perspective.
Writing about experiences also serves the great purpose of forcing you to make sense of things. It's not always necessary to classify and define every experience as being meaningful, but there are certain stories in everyone's life that could mean more to future readers than their author.
In truth, art is perspective made tangible. Experiencing life from many perspectives is possible as long as we can embrace the desire to learn something from everyone, and accept that we are can only define ourselves in this world by our thoughts and actions.
I think we could all benefit if we switch from the mentality of "be anything you want to be" to one of "be everything you can be".
Writing about experiences also serves the great purpose of forcing you to make sense of things. It's not always necessary to classify and define every experience as being meaningful, but there are certain stories in everyone's life that could mean more to future readers than their author.
In truth, art is perspective made tangible. Experiencing life from many perspectives is possible as long as we can embrace the desire to learn something from everyone, and accept that we are can only define ourselves in this world by our thoughts and actions.
I think we could all benefit if we switch from the mentality of "be anything you want to be" to one of "be everything you can be".
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Worth Every Penny.
I believe that you are doing the right thing if you can create the opportunity for happiness not only for yourself, but others as well. My brother's teacher for confirmation always talked about how feeding the homeless is a great thing to do, not because you are helping them - they'll be hungry again soon - but because you are making yourself feel good.... I think that's one of the most selfish theories I have ever heard in my entire life. I'll tell you what might go on in a homeless person's head as he is being fed from complete and young strangers. That homeless person is thinking, "Wow, these people care enough to try". The very fact that we even bother to try, might make all the difference in someone who is down and out. Realizing that people are there to help when you are struggling can not only inspire someone to help themselves, but also help those in need around them. So feeding the homeless to make a change in yourself is the last and most selfish reason in the world to feed the homeless. We do things like feed the homeless and do other charitable deeds to make a permanent change in the world; a permanent change in what might be a long string of negative events in the lives of the less fortunate.
Some people need to finish baking their ideas. Fools. Fools of the church. Be human first, and a follower second.
It's easy to do you part on a daily basis. This is so inadequate, but still funny - I placed 4 pennies, heads up, on the sidewalk today. I can't remember the last time I used a penny to pay for something. I find the penny a more valuable tool to make a young, and maybe not-so-young person excited to find a penny heads-up. The way I see it, tomorrow, when 4 people find a heads up penny, or 1 person finds 4 heads up pennies, they all will feel optimistic for at least a short time. Isn't that worth a penny? I sure as hell didn't do it for myself. It may be odd of me in that Andy Kaufman kind of way, taking a little bit of joy my starting an event that I won't even be there to see happen, but such is life... and there you have my definition of faith.
Unrelated to this all....
It's getting cold.
Yesterday I went to Malibu to have dinner with my friend whom I haven't seen in a while, Amanda Urban. We went to the Sunset Grill at the bottom of Point Dume, in Malibu. As per usual, I had a fun time there. If you ever go there, avoid the fish tacos.
So yesterday at work, my manager/buddy Tracy Fu pulled me aside and told me that her and my boss were going to start teaching me HTML, and maybe even giving me some tiny projects to do on the side. I've always wanted to learn HTML a bit more, so who was I to turn down such an offer. I'd like to me a little more self-sufficient when it comes to the internet and design. One thing I've been realizing about myself is that I get fear getting stuck in work-related commitments, which might have something to do with the fact that I was miserable at my last job and still managed to stay there for about 2 years.
So yeah... stay tuned :)
Some people need to finish baking their ideas. Fools. Fools of the church. Be human first, and a follower second.
It's easy to do you part on a daily basis. This is so inadequate, but still funny - I placed 4 pennies, heads up, on the sidewalk today. I can't remember the last time I used a penny to pay for something. I find the penny a more valuable tool to make a young, and maybe not-so-young person excited to find a penny heads-up. The way I see it, tomorrow, when 4 people find a heads up penny, or 1 person finds 4 heads up pennies, they all will feel optimistic for at least a short time. Isn't that worth a penny? I sure as hell didn't do it for myself. It may be odd of me in that Andy Kaufman kind of way, taking a little bit of joy my starting an event that I won't even be there to see happen, but such is life... and there you have my definition of faith.
Unrelated to this all....
It's getting cold.
Yesterday I went to Malibu to have dinner with my friend whom I haven't seen in a while, Amanda Urban. We went to the Sunset Grill at the bottom of Point Dume, in Malibu. As per usual, I had a fun time there. If you ever go there, avoid the fish tacos.
So yesterday at work, my manager/buddy Tracy Fu pulled me aside and told me that her and my boss were going to start teaching me HTML, and maybe even giving me some tiny projects to do on the side. I've always wanted to learn HTML a bit more, so who was I to turn down such an offer. I'd like to me a little more self-sufficient when it comes to the internet and design. One thing I've been realizing about myself is that I get fear getting stuck in work-related commitments, which might have something to do with the fact that I was miserable at my last job and still managed to stay there for about 2 years.
So yeah... stay tuned :)
Friday, April 04, 2008
The Man In The Mirror
A few things.
For a second post, this really has nothing to do with what I want the rest of the blog to be about, but this is a quick story worth telling.
This morning I assumed that my roommate, Nate, was at work like he usually is when I wake up. No situation can be more devastating to the ego than incorrectly assuming privacy. I was just finishing shaving my head and about to get into the shower this morning. As per usual, I felt a sharp urge to belt out a few lyrics to Michael Jackson's 1988 single, "Man In The Mirror".
"...I'm asking him to change his ways!" I sang, and from the other side of the wall, Nate's room, I received the back up vocals in a tired and monotoned grunt.
"Uh huh."
Nate was home sick from work, and I was staring at the startled man in the mirror.
Alright, so whats new...
I started chatting with my friend Kim Boswell yesterday. Kimba and I are mutual friends with my friends Blake Fletcher and Chris Rigali. Kim and I decided that it's time to go on a road trip with Chris to visit Blake in Phoenix, AZ. Kim named the trip "Magical Adventure 2008 AZ Road Trip Fantastic", and we three are the Fellowship. The trip will be christened by breaking a bottle of Budweiser, the King of Beers, over my car. We will be dressed in 3 piece suits, and Kim will be sporting a fake mustache solely for the purpose of pulling over for photo shoots and scaring people at gas stations.
That is the plan. Stay tuned.
For a second post, this really has nothing to do with what I want the rest of the blog to be about, but this is a quick story worth telling.
This morning I assumed that my roommate, Nate, was at work like he usually is when I wake up. No situation can be more devastating to the ego than incorrectly assuming privacy. I was just finishing shaving my head and about to get into the shower this morning. As per usual, I felt a sharp urge to belt out a few lyrics to Michael Jackson's 1988 single, "Man In The Mirror".
"...I'm asking him to change his ways!" I sang, and from the other side of the wall, Nate's room, I received the back up vocals in a tired and monotoned grunt.
"Uh huh."
Nate was home sick from work, and I was staring at the startled man in the mirror.
Alright, so whats new...
I started chatting with my friend Kim Boswell yesterday. Kimba and I are mutual friends with my friends Blake Fletcher and Chris Rigali. Kim and I decided that it's time to go on a road trip with Chris to visit Blake in Phoenix, AZ. Kim named the trip "Magical Adventure 2008 AZ Road Trip Fantastic", and we three are the Fellowship. The trip will be christened by breaking a bottle of Budweiser, the King of Beers, over my car. We will be dressed in 3 piece suits, and Kim will be sporting a fake mustache solely for the purpose of pulling over for photo shoots and scaring people at gas stations.
That is the plan. Stay tuned.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
The Begining & The End
I've always struggled with what to blog about, and at the same time, I've always wanted to start a blog that I can stick with. This is going to be a blog about beginnings and endings; introductions and conclusions; love and breakups; easy streets and dead ends; alpha and omega - and it's all going to start here, with the initiation of my blog.
Stay tuned, and stay interested. It's just gonna get more interesting, for better or worse.
Stay tuned, and stay interested. It's just gonna get more interesting, for better or worse.
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